| Category | Quote | E-Mail this quote | | Capital punishment | Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
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| Crime | Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
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| Death | There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
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| Death | It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there
when it happens
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| Death | On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
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| Death | It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
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| Dying | I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
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| Existance | What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
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| Film | If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job.
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| God | How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
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| God | If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
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| God | To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
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| God | If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
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| God | As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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| Honesty | I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
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| Illusion | What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
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| Life | Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
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| Life | Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
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| Marraige | I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
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| Masturbation | Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
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| Meaning | How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
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| Misc. | Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
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| Misc. | Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
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| Morality | His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
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| Music | I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
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| Nature | I am at two with nature.
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| Nothingness | Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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| Parents | When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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| Politics | The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
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| Reading | I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
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| Regrets | My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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| Sex | Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
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| Space | Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
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| Speed | It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
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| Togetherness | The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
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| Universe | I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
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| World | It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
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